The Art of Cancer

I originally made this SoulCollage card in the spring of 2011, just a few months before my diagnosis of secondary angiosarcoma of my left breast.  I wasn't sure what she was saying to me, but the energy of the card felt strong and protective to me.

In July, when I found out I was going to have to have a mastectomy, I happened to draw this card in one of the short readings I do with my deck every other day.  At that time, she was saying to me:

I am the one who is keeping away anything and anybody who is not conducive to your highest and best healing. I am the one who is giving you PERMISSION to say no to anything that doesn't help you to feel good, to feel better, to heal.  My gift to you is protection.  I give you the knowing that you are worth protecting and worth healing and that you can raise your own hand (literal, metaphoric, it doesn't matter) to keep away that which doesn't belong in your own precious life.

Today, I drew this card again in one of my random short readings.  And today, well... WOW!  Just read on:

I am the one who is standing in front of the Universe.  I am the one who is holding up my hand so no one will come near/intrude. 

I am the one who is standing in front of my body, my chest.  The left breast is now gone, a bright, illuminated scar in its place.  My right breast, created anew by my beloved plastic surgeon, is now shiny and new, in perfect proportion to the rest of me.  

I am the one who is saying ENOUGH! NO MORE PLASTIC SURGERY!  Not now, anyway. Not at this time.  I am not ready for my body to be scarred yet again.  Not now.  Maybe another year, but NOT NOW.

I am the one who is protecting you from any more physical changes of the surgical kind.  Before/after your mastectomy, I was giving you wisdom and advice about staying away from anything that was not healing for you, to protect your boundaries and I am still saying that to you.  And now, my meaning, my message, has increased, widened, deepened.

So, again.....WOWEE!  I always get what I need from my SoulCollage cards!

Another Lesson in Surrender...

It seems that my inner guides and teachers are nudging me towards more lessons in surrender. I am getting the sense that surrender isn't just letting go of something or a situation or someone who needs help. It is letting go into the hands of Another.

So after my Surrendering Thanksgiving Experiment, I am now finding other little ways to exercise this Surrender Muscle which is definitely been underused in my lifetime!

For example, there's a black and white tuxedo cat who has been hanging out on our porch since Sasha died. I believe there is a connection although that remains a mystery to me. I named him Raj because he seems majestic (and because Raj is my favorite character on The Big Bang Theory!). We feed Raj when he is here. Sometimes he lets me rub the top of his head, but usually he seems afraid of human contact. I feel so blessed that he has come here and that he trusts us enough to spend hours and days on our comfy loveseat. Somehow, whenever he is nearby, I also feel that Sasha and Scooter are with him, looking out for us.

But we have had some really cold nights in the past few weeks and I found myself worrying endlessly about what happens to Raj when it gets below freezing. Where does he go? How does he keep warm?

Then I realized that I can surrender Raj's well-being also, like I surrendered Thanksgiving, only this is more of an internal surrender. As I surrender Raj to the care of the One Who Cares for All Creatures, I let go of incessant worry inside my heart, which frees up my thoughts and creative energy for other things. I trust that Raj knows where to go and how to care for himself when the nights get frosty. I trust that God / Spirit has angels watching over Raj the same as they watch over all of us, every every moment.

I am learning that to surrender isn't necessarily to give up, or to give up hope. It is to have absolute trust and faith that a Higher Power is taking care of the situation, and that there is no way I can see the Big Picture so I can surrender it to Someone who can.

Surrendering Thanksgiving- Part 2

Well, I am happy to report that my experiment yesterday was a success! I will admit that I did step in and did a couple of things: I went with my brother to pick up Janice, and I drove her home myself. I cleaned out the candle holder for the dinner table. I dusted the living room. I made turkey soup from the carcass after everyone left. I emptied the third load of the dishwasher while Jeff was watching TV at 9 p.m.

But that is really all that I did!

It was a beautiful day and I was able to sit with everyone while Stephanie and Allison set the table and laid out the place cards (made by Stephanie) and made the side dishes. Because I was staying out of the kitchen I also got to watch the first 90 minutes of the Macy's Day Parade on TV with no interruptions.

The night before Thanksgiving I was within earshot of my husband Jeff going to his mom for help with the stuffing, and because I was "not participating," I was able to hear all kinds of inner conversations and thoughts about this. Also, because I had made a conscious effort to stand back from it all, I was able to actually let go of these inner thoughts and conversations. I was able to not take any of it personally as I once would have.

The same thing happened on Thanksgiving, particularly in the morning. I was given a chance to step away from the usual way I bury myself in kitchen chores to avoid socializing with my family as they await the meal. I was able to relax and do what I wanted to do on Thanksgiving (pretty much). When dinner was over, I went upstairs and laid down in my recliner with Minnie and meditated for 30 minutes, then read a good book. I had a two hour respite where I didn't feel obligated.

I realized something yesterday, because of this Experiment in Surrender: I don't like large gatherings where the conversation is very surface and social. EVEN if said gathering is my family whom I dearly love. I would much rather have smaller visits, one on one, two on two, where the conversation can go deeper, to a more soulful place.

On second thought, I didn't just realize this yesterday. I have known this for a long time. It's just that, yesterday, I was finally able to admit it to myself. Because I think I've always judged myself for not liking big gatherings of family even though I love each and every one of them. Yesterday I was able to stop judging myself because I was able to stop hiding in the doing, doing, doing that I am usually DOING at these gatherings.

So instead of getting closer to my family yesterday when I Surrendered Thankgiving, I got a lot closer to ME.

When we surrender (according to the dictionary), we are "giving up completely or agreeing to forgo especially in favor of another." Yesterday I gave up my old ideas of what Thanksgiving "should" be. I completely gave up my ancient beliefs about how much I had to DO in order to make a perfect Thanksgiving happen, in favor of the bigger picture. In favor of a greater connection to Spirit, who opened my eyes and brought me closer to my own heart.

Surrendering Thanksgiving- Part 1

I have an idea in my mind and I'm going to share about it today, and then will post about how the experiment went on Friday, after Thanksgiving is officially over.

Every November for the past 16 years that we've lived in our home in North Beverly, we've hosted Thanksgiving dinner for my oldest brother and his family, plus Jeff's brother and mother and a few assorted friends. The tradition is that later, about 20 more people from Jeff's side of the family show up and we have a Dessert Fiesta. Usually my brother and his family spend the night and we have a lovely visit over breakfast in the morning as well.

Since I'm in the middle of chemo treatments, I decided a month ago that I didn't have enough energy to host overnights this year. My brother and nieces were very accommodating and one niece (thank you, Stephanie!) even volunteered to make some side dishes and coordinate what everyone was bringing for food.

So tomorrow is the big day and I am thinking that I would like to Surrender Thanksgiving, in order to experience what it's like to really LET GO of something into the hands of a power greater than myself. Looking back on my life, I realize that I am more the HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE kink of person, and I am wanting that to change.

To me, surrendering this holiday means:

1. I will not set the table or worry about who is sitting where.

2. I won't make place cards and obsess over how "good" they are or not.

3. I won't lift a finger (or thumb or hand or foot) in the kitchen. I won't be making, stirring or tasting anything ahead of time.

4. I will enjoy and be vocally grateful for every bite of food that is given to me.

5. I won't pour the water or uncork the wine or worry about the timing of any side dishes.

6. I will sit and relax and chat with Joe and Karen and watch the Macy's Parade on TV while hustle and bustle is happening in the kitchen.


Today, however, I will clear out the dining room and make sure there is room for all 9 chairs. I will be sure that Jeff vacuums the dining room and cleans the guest bathroom, and I will dust the living room. But that is all I am doing.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will be in Surrender Thanksgiving mode. I am hoping that this little experiment will remind me to Surrender bigger things in my life as well, like for instance, my healing, my future, my life.

For Death, by John O'Donohue

I am including this beautiful poem on this blog because the more I think about and ponder my own death (whenever that may be) (and believe me, I am thinking about death a lot because of the "scare" I had this summer)......... the more I realize that I can't stay on the Bright Side of the Road until I come to complete and utter acceptance of what is inevitable for all of us. This poem (thanks, Dot!) is really making a difference for me on my own journey and I want to share it with you. From the moment you were born, Your death has walked beside you. Though it seldom shows its face, You still feel its empty touch When fear invades your life, Or what you love is lost Or inner damage is incurred. Yet when destiny draws you Into these spaces of poverty, And your heart stays generous Until some door opens into the light, You are quietly befriending your death; So that you will have no need to fear When your time comes to turn and leave, That the silent presence of your death Would call your life to attention, Wake you up to how scarce your time is And to the urgency to become free And equal to the call of your destiny. That you would gather yourself And decide carefully How you now can live The life you would love To look back on From your deathbed.

Connections

In a journaling "assignment" this weekend, I was challenged to write and wonder about my connections. Who and what do I feel connected to? Who or what don't I feel connected to? And why? It was an exciting exercise for me, because I learned some things about myself that I don't usually like to own up to:

1. I have a hard time connecting with others.
2. I usually prefer solitude over connecting with others.
3. I am usually more connected to animals than to people.
4. It is easier for me to connect to people via phone and email than in person.

That's not to say that I didn't have a lot of people (and cats!) on my "connected" list. I did, and I do. I am so grateful to say that my SoulCollage® work in the world has brought me more creative and soul-full connections than I've ever had in my life!

Looking back on my 2002 journey with cancer treatments, I can see that this area of connections with others is the biggest area of difference for me. Back then, my only sense of connection (besides Jeff) was with my brother Joe and my niece Stephanie, my "family" where I worked at the music theatre, and my cats, Sasha and Scooter and Minnie. Oh, and JoAnn my good friend who moved to the west coast right after my treatments.

I sensed a big void back then, or maybe I'm just sensing it now that I'm looking back on it. 20/20 hindsight vision and all. I remember in 2002 wishing for a circle of women friends to be myself with, to share with, to connect with. And when I started SoulCollage® in 2005, I initiated a small group like that who met at my house once a month to make cards. That was good, very good, but it only lasted a few years. And it seemed to be more about me facilitating than an equal balance of leadership. But it filled a deep need and I am grateful for each and every Soul Sister who attended: Lis, Pat, Elaine, Susan, and Linda.

Now, during this go-round with cancer treatment, I feel infinitely connected to my wide round-the-world circle of Kindred Spirits, especially Marti and Cheryl who really seem to "get" me, even tho they live several hundred miles away in Illinois and our soul-connections depend on email and phone calls. I have my good friend Elaine who lives half an hour away and exemplifies the term "friend."

So why am I still so harsh on myself for the fact that I don't have a circle of close women friends here who love and support and "get" me? Can I let go of this unkindness to myself and accept that the connections I have are perfect for me right now, in this moment? Can I stop beating myself up for not being more "social" and simply accept what's true for me right here and now?

Yes, I can! I am grateful for the connections with women and men and felines that sustain and support my emotional and spiritual being. I am grateful for a loving, generous husband. I am grateful for soul friends whom I can talk with even if not face to face. I am grateful for how different my life is now than it was in 2002.

Will The Real Anne Marie Bennett Please Stand Up?

When I was little there was a TV show called What's My Line? where three people would all pretend to be the same person with an interesting story to tell. Panelists would ask questions to try and discern which person was the "real" one whose story was being told. I used to love the part at the end of the show, where the host would say, "Would the real _________ please stand up?" The three would make a show of pretending to rise. And then, finally, the "real one" would stand up.

I can really relate to this right now as my chemo treatments are 1/3 over, I've lost most of my hair, and most of the time I just don't feel like "myself." When I put these three images of myself together (see above) the other day, I stared at them in amazement and truly wondered, if they were on "What's My Line?", which one would stand up as the "real" Anne Marie Bennett.

At first I was sure it was the image of "me" on the left, with my hair intact and curly, before my surgeries and treatments and all these annoying side effects began. But then I paused, realizing my error.

It doesn't matter if I have a full head of hair and a healthy glow, or if I am completely bald with dark circles under my eyes, or if I am wearing a wig to try to blend in and look normal when I'm out in public and not feeling well. It's the same "real me" on the inside, no matter what is happening to me on the outside.

This whole experience (cancer, surgery, recovery, chemo, hair loss, side effects...) has given me a new understanding of that oft-quoted belief system that states we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It has also given me a brand new awareness of what the SoulEssence card in our SoulCollage® Decks really represents. At this time I do not have a SoulEssence card as I am still looking for the "right" images, but I believe (thanks to the above lessons) that I am getting closer to finding what I am looking for.

This is because, as I look at the three views of myself (above), I see many differences on the outside, but I also know that there is a "me" on the inside of each of them that is constant and true, regardless of whether or not I have hair, or whether or not my face is wan or bloated or smiling or frowning. This "me" on the inside is the light that shows up in my eyes; it's the reflection of that spark of the Divine that was planted inside this body when I was born.

So, if those three "Anne Marie Bennetts" were on a current version of What's My Line?, none of them would be considered imposters. They are all "real" because of the SoulEssence that is present in each one.