Connections

In a journaling "assignment" this weekend, I was challenged to write and wonder about my connections. Who and what do I feel connected to? Who or what don't I feel connected to? And why? It was an exciting exercise for me, because I learned some things about myself that I don't usually like to own up to:

1. I have a hard time connecting with others.
2. I usually prefer solitude over connecting with others.
3. I am usually more connected to animals than to people.
4. It is easier for me to connect to people via phone and email than in person.

That's not to say that I didn't have a lot of people (and cats!) on my "connected" list. I did, and I do. I am so grateful to say that my SoulCollage® work in the world has brought me more creative and soul-full connections than I've ever had in my life!

Looking back on my 2002 journey with cancer treatments, I can see that this area of connections with others is the biggest area of difference for me. Back then, my only sense of connection (besides Jeff) was with my brother Joe and my niece Stephanie, my "family" where I worked at the music theatre, and my cats, Sasha and Scooter and Minnie. Oh, and JoAnn my good friend who moved to the west coast right after my treatments.

I sensed a big void back then, or maybe I'm just sensing it now that I'm looking back on it. 20/20 hindsight vision and all. I remember in 2002 wishing for a circle of women friends to be myself with, to share with, to connect with. And when I started SoulCollage® in 2005, I initiated a small group like that who met at my house once a month to make cards. That was good, very good, but it only lasted a few years. And it seemed to be more about me facilitating than an equal balance of leadership. But it filled a deep need and I am grateful for each and every Soul Sister who attended: Lis, Pat, Elaine, Susan, and Linda.

Now, during this go-round with cancer treatment, I feel infinitely connected to my wide round-the-world circle of Kindred Spirits, especially Marti and Cheryl who really seem to "get" me, even tho they live several hundred miles away in Illinois and our soul-connections depend on email and phone calls. I have my good friend Elaine who lives half an hour away and exemplifies the term "friend."

So why am I still so harsh on myself for the fact that I don't have a circle of close women friends here who love and support and "get" me? Can I let go of this unkindness to myself and accept that the connections I have are perfect for me right now, in this moment? Can I stop beating myself up for not being more "social" and simply accept what's true for me right here and now?

Yes, I can! I am grateful for the connections with women and men and felines that sustain and support my emotional and spiritual being. I am grateful for a loving, generous husband. I am grateful for soul friends whom I can talk with even if not face to face. I am grateful for how different my life is now than it was in 2002.